Obituaries of the scathing variety are really what inspired our ventures into the world of the macabre. I mean hello . . . it’s why we put the bitch in OBITCHUARY! Yes they’re hilarious, in an absurd morbid way, but really it’s the shock factor. Who would have thought that such a thing existed, and what would prompt somebody to write one? Well, as it turns out, there’s a variety of reasons. The truth of the matter is, some people just plain suck. We can all probably name at least one person in our lives worthy of some petty last words.
Spencer Henry and Madison Reyes have hosted a weekly podcast since 2021 called OBITCHUARY — which started as a venue for sharing “outlandish, hilarious, and sometimes scathing obituaries”, and has grown to include “bizarre history, strange funeral traditions” and a “dumb criminals segment” — and this is a compilation of some of their favourite findings. I expected Obitchuary: The Big Hot Book of Death to be more comprehensive (along the lines of Mary Roach’s Stiff), but while this is not a very serious look at the science or history surrounding death and its rituals, there was much here I hadn’t known before, all told in small, punchy bites. I feel this was written for a younger reader than I — the humour didn’t really land with me — but I do appreciate the effort to demystify that big unknown that’s coming for us all. (Note: I read an ARC through NetGalley and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)
Examples of the facts and the writing style:
• Philip Clover of Columbus, Ohio, developed a device he called the “coffin torpedo” in 1878. In his words, it was a device created to “prevent the unauthorized resurrection of dead bodies.” It involved a system of triggers and springs that detonates an explosion of lead balls if the casket lid is opened after burial. Judge Thomas N. Howell invented his revision of the coffin-torpedo with the catchy slogan, “Sleep well, sweet angel, let no fears of ghouls disturb thy rest, for above thy shrouded form lies a torpedo, ready to make mincemeat of anyone who attempts to convey you to the pickling vat.” Hot damn. Imagine you’re just trying to get some cash for gold to get a bump on a Saturday night and — WHAMMY— your meat is minced, babe.
• Also known as lachrymatories, or tear vials, these were small containers that were believed to collect the tears shed by mourners during times of grief. These delicate glass or ceramic vessels were usually ornately designed and came in various shapes and sizes. It became a tangible expression of grief one could hold on to, to demonstrate the depth of their emotions, as it was believed that capturing tears symbolized the depth of one’s sorrow and love for the departed. Some even thought that evaporating tears were a way to send messages to the afterlife. We think these catchers are especially sweet because once the tears dried up, some would say it symbolized the end of mourning.
• Funeral strippers are just that, exotic dancers who sing and dance while removing their clothes at a funeral or in a procession to a funeral as a way to celebrate the life of the deceased and attract mourners. See! Everyone is afraid nobody will show up to their last party! If strippers can’t bring ’em in — what will, really? The tradition originated in Taiwan and has since spread throughout parts of China. Some say it brings good luck. We’re not experts here, but we’re willing to bet those people are straight men…It seems China has significantly cracked down on this controversial performance, since this little strip tease act is often considered obscene. In fact, they started giving rewards to people back in 2018 to snitch on others for hiring funeral strippers.
• In March 2013, four men in northern China were sentenced to prison for exhuming the corpses of ten women and selling them as ghost brides to the families of deceased, unmarried men. The women’s bodies were to be buried alongside the dead men, ensuring eternal companionship. Guess the saying is true: romance . . . is dead.
• In Sardinia’s past they would allegedly throw their sick elders off certain cliffs. Sometimes senicide would be done by a select group of women named accabbadoras, a.k.a. the terminator or ender. They would bless them and then proceed to either suffocate them, or kill them with blunt-force trauma by hitting them on the back of the head with a wooden mallet.
• In 1888, Alfred Nobel’s brother Ludvig Nobel passed away, but the French newspaper accidentally published an obituary for Alfred — oopsy daisy. The obit referred to Alfred as the “merchant of death” due to his invention of dynamite, which was then being used in warfare. Imagine not only was your obituary mistakenly printed but also . . . they dogged you in it? This incident reportedly had a profound impact on Alfred Nobel, leading him to establish the Nobel Prizes in order to leave a more positive legacy. Mission accomplished. We didn’t even know about the dynamite.
Ultimately: There were fewer “scathing” obituaries than I expected, fewer new and interesting facts (but to be fair, more than none), and nothing really made me laugh, but I did appreciate the aim of demystifying death: there was a section on the “alarming” suicide rates in South Korea and efforts being made (by places such as the Hyowon Healing Center) to offer “living funerals” — in which people can don shrouds and enter a dim room with a coffin in order to meditate on the reality and finality of death — and this actually seems to help these people better embrace life, so a story like that confirms the importance of conversations like those found in this book:
We hope you enjoyed our little romp through death. Our aim was to make you laugh and teach you something new while maybe changing how you see death. It’s a scary topic, one that is hard to comprehend, but learning about it gives us power. We wanted to show that it’s okay to talk about it and that knowledge can help us understand it better.
