You are worth seven-dollar lilies. You are worth the thing that instantly makes your life better. I've heard people talk about their favourite exercise class this way. I've heard people talk about an order of guacamole with their tacos this way. I've heard people talk about the ten-dollar, ten-minute massage at the nail salon this way. That small, pleasurable thing that makes you feel like you are treating yourself – do not deprive yourself of this. Buy the f*cking lilies, take the class, order the guac, get the massage.
Today, Tara Schuster is a happy and fulfilled “self-care ninja”, and as Comedy Central's Vice President of Talent and Development, is by all outward appearances (and by her own account) living a healthy and successful life. But this was not always so. Waking up the morning after her twenty-fifth birthday – vomit in her hair and voicemails from her frantic therapist, whom she didn't remember drunk-dialling the night before – Schuster decided then and there to figure out why her life was such an unhappy disaster. Over the next five years, Schuster examined every facet of her life, and by consulting other self-help books and trusting the wisdom that emerged from her own journalling efforts, she was able to find her way to a form of self-love that enabled her to then shine love out into the world as well (it's really not as cheesy as that sounds). In Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, Schuster has assembled the lessons she learned (divided into three broad categories: Mind Rituals; Body Rituals; and Relationship Rituals), and while I really don't think that I am the target audience (the title alone screams a younger market), I found Schuster's voice to be so likeable, her storytelling to be so candid, and her advice to be so achievable, that I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this to a young woman looking for direction. (Note: I read an ARC and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)
Before I began my path to re-parenting and healing my wounds, it never occurred to me that you could enjoy your life. Having grown up in chaos, I naturally and easily built disorder into my adult life. I was so good at it, you guys. I thought that was life: a series of problems to be tackled until you have lived another day, only to face a new disaster. Divorce, fights, your parents losing their jobs, fights with your boyfriend, you possibly losing your job, being too high, not knowing yourself, those were the things my life was made up of. In that place of turmoil, I only had the wherewithal to survive to the next day. I was barely present for a life that I felt was happening to me.Mostly self-help with a lot of autobiographical bits to illustrate her journey, the basis of Schuster's healing was journalling: for the six years prior to writing this book, she made a ritual out of writing three single-spaced pages in her journal at the beginning of every day; with intention, examining her thoughts and feelings and repeating concerns, and eventually adding a daily unique list of ten things she's grateful for. And it was in these journals that Schuster discovered where her hurts originated and began to imagine what future actions might heal those wounds. I'm not going to describe all of the thirty-some rituals Schuster eventually embraced in order to improve her life, but they include such commonplace ideas as exercising, eating well, and keeping your home tidy (“dinner party ready”, but just for you) and such girly-frou-frou actions as covering the walls of your private space with inspirational quotes and pictures of “fierce” role models (held up with strips of glittery washi tape; “the Etsy version of Russell Crowe's office in A Beautiful Mind”), lighting incense or candles as you do your makeup routine in the morning (like the empress/goddess/Cleopatra that you are), and splurging on fresh flowers, scented candles, and beautiful bras meant only for your own enjoyment. And it's because of the girly-frou-frous that this seems aimed at young women; that and the title and the Millennial-girl-squad conversational tone:
I began to realize that I did indeed have a lot to be grateful for. That didn't mean I didn't also have trauma in my life. It certainly didn't mean that I had worked out all of my issues from childhood and now everything was “perf, thanks, byeee.” The trauma and the gratitude were able to live in the same space, together. Little by little, I pulled the golden thread of gratitude out from the blanket of pain I usually wrapped myself in.Schuster's family-of-origin did leave her with plenty of baggage to deal with, and I can see how this book could serve as a lifeline for others looking for a path out of their own trauma, pain, and simple confusion around how to live a meaningful and happy life. On the other hand, there's a smack of privilege here: Schuster does state that she has always been very careful with money (so it really doesn't come down to how much you spend on indulgences – like the titular lilies – the point is to honour and nourish your own mind and body), but even so, not everyone will have the time/privacy/energy to wake up an extra hour early every day to write out their innermost thoughts; not everyone is in a position to walk away from unfulfilling relationships and jobs; not everyone has a half hour free every day to go for a walk. Yet: I really did find Tara Schuster to be likeable and relatable, and even if she seemed to have gotten most of her best ideas from other sources (which she notes), I can still see the value in this book for the right reader. Four stars is a rounding up.
