Mind Picking : Deep Freeze

This story played out on facebook, so it's much easier to edit that conversation than to rewrite the whole drama:

Okay, long story: The weather was record-breakingly cold yesterday and the next door neighbour, Mike, came over in the morning and said, "We have no water. Something must have froze. I just had a guy from the city out and he said the problem isn't with city equipment, it must be a pipe either in my house or in my yard and that I'm responsible for fixing it. When I asked him what I'm supposed to do for water until then, he said, 'Just tie into a neighbour'. So…?"

I said, "Of course, do what you gotta do. You can't not have water."

So, Mike hooked up a hose to our outdoor spigot and turned the outdoor water cutoff back on and, I presumed, went to look into getting his problem fixed. Dave was in NYC until last night, and when I explained the deal to him over the phone, he agreed it had to be done, and when he got home, he went to look at the hose. Mike had made a loose connection, so there was water dripping and ice building up against our foundation. Dave fixed that and then my brother came over. How dumb is Susie from next door that she would go talk to MY brother and joke about all the free water they're getting? Ha ha. So anyway, Dave and my brother (the mechanical supervisor at the hospital -- the guy who makes sure the water, electricity, and whatnot is all working right) check the pipes inside our house, and since they can't hear water running past the cutoff, they're worried that the neighbours don't have a tap open to prevent freezing. If that hose freezes, they figure the ice will back up into our house until the pipe bursts at the cutoff: right above Dave's irreplaceable Planet of the Apes collection.

Dave calls the neighbours and Susie says, "Yes, we have a tap open, but don't worry about it, the city hooked us up to you underground and nothing is going to freeze." Dave explains that, no, the city didn't do anything and we don't want that hose to freeze. He asked if the tap was running full out because he couldn't hear water running and she said, "Don't worry. It's running." Now these people are cheap -- people who would ask parents to pay half the cost of their kids attending her daughter's birthday party -- and even though she joked about "free water", I'm sure she doesn't want us asking for too much money when, after all, "the city hooked them up to us".

So, Dave asked her to get Mike to call him when he got home, and when he did, he told Dave that he didn't want to involve a plumber.  He figured the problem is a frozen pipe INSIDE his house, so he pointed a space heater at it.

It's the next day, they won't call a plumber, we don't know if they have their tap running full out, the risk is entirely to us and OUR home, and as much as I don't want to be responsible for a family having no water, I don't know how responsible I feel for these guys. According to Susie, she wouldn't be surprised if this carried on "until spring" when their yard can be dug up. People! Of course, I can just unhook their hose any time I like…

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Delight:  Ya, hard place to be....don't know what to tell ya. And what do you mean talking and laughing about her "free water" to Ken? WTF is that, besides extremely rude/ignorant and oh I don't know, I could think of a few choice words...But, you're right, the risk is entirely yours and I am not sure that that is a risk I would be willing to take for someone like this. Do they have another neighbour on the other side of ye? Maybe they could help....And can you trust them that they are being truthful and that they do have the water running as they say they do? And have you called the city to ask them if their story is true? And what does she mean the city hooked them up to you underground? Do they have a clue? He didn't want to involve a plumber because he doesn't want to pay one....man....people...I'm sorry, I wouldn't be so nice...

Krista: Her daughter and Ella are friends, so she probably thinks she has a more joking/casual relationship with Ken. Even with him, though, she talked like she had no idea what was going on, insisting that the city somehow tied them to us and, I'm SURE, she's thinking that they won't have to pay us if the CITY made the connection. But it's just the hose -- that her HUSBAND -- hooked up. We're totally frozen here -- how could the city access anything underground? There is a neighbour on the other side, but I'm not against helping someone out: I just don't know what risk I'm willing to take. And I'm sure the story about the city is true -- Mike came over yesterday in a bit of a panic when the city worker left and said they wouldn't help him. I just don't know how long we give them on this. It's not even really about the money -- but the problem is theirs, the risk is ours, and they've got a space heater going as their only solution. And WON'T call a plumber.

Delight: I know your issue isn't about money...but I do wonder about their issue...you are a cheap fix at the moment and yes, the one taking the risk...if you can trust them then I guess you will have to take your chances...but what if something happens and the hose freezes and backs up and your pipes freeze....something bursts and oh what a mess....and then who is going to pay for that, the neighbour? Doesn't sound like the type to be willing to do so...Hope you have good insurance  Poor ye...I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Sorry to hear it is miserable.

Darlene:  I would have unhooked the hose after I heard the first lie out of them and/or the first "joke" about free water. These people sound like free-loading menaces who don't care about the consequences for you, your home, or your bank account that their actions may precipitate. UNHOOK today. For me it wouldn't be so much of a money issue (glad to help those who need help) as it would a character issue. Your neighbors don't seem to have any. It's not your problem and it seems that your good deed is only enabling them to put off what has to be done at a huge risk to you.

Krista: I don't think she was lying, Darlene, so much as clueless. And for your edification: here in Canada, we have things called "snow" and "ice", and in the winter, we turn off the water to outdoor sources at the "cutoff" because the risk of ice backing up into the pipes and bursting is very real. I think I'm just looking for people to confirm that I'm not the jerk in this situation because I like to think of myself as a good neighbour, but this stretches the limit. How long do I give these people to solve their issue before I decide it's not MY issue anymore? (And I appreciate that the view from Texas is that that time has already passed, lol)

Darlene:  I think a week to ten days is sufficient time to call a plumber and have a repair if all the parts are in stock, no unexpected/unavoidable delays are experienced, etc. After that, I would tend to think that they weren't taking care of their business and that I was being taken advantage of. The fact that they haven't even called a plumber leads me to think that they are not doing their best to resolve their problem. The bottom line is that you and Dave acted in good faith (helping under the assumption that they would be addressing their problem in an expedient manner) and they have not acted in kind. Oh, and I am aware of the turning off the water thing. On the rare occasions here that we have freezes, we are advised to do the same. I wasn't meaning to come down too hard on your neighbor - to me, it sounded like a lie when they said they had the water running, but you guys didn't hear it going through the pipes. I must have misunderstood. Sometimes this typing things, comes across a bit harsher than intended...

Cara: I'm with my mom Krista, I'm not sure if I'd be as nice either. Just be careful if it does get any colder.

Krista: I'd give them a week, for sure, Darlene if they were in contact with us and telling us what they were doing. The whole vibe Dave got on the phone with them, though, was, "Whatever, don't worry about it". And they're CHEAP, so I don't know what will win out: leave the tap running because it's on our water bill, or try to use as little as possible in case we come after them. And, FYI, water here -- in the land with the most freshwater in the world -- isn't cheap. We pay at least $100/month for water, and with a tap running fullish-out, that could add up fast. (And I was just teasing you with my edification about "ice" and "snow".) And, ya, Cara -- they're making it hard to be nice. And it might be too soon to nudge, but maaan, I just wish they would let us know they're working on

Delight: Ya, that is the part that would make me kind of nervous...seems rather nonchalant about it all...don't worry...no problem...ya, no problem for them, you've fixed it for them....

Krista:  And at least Susie didn't come ask to use our shower yesterday -- she apparently waited until Laura went to work and then (because the kids were home on a "cold day") went and asked Ella if she could come in and shower. Ken wants to fumigate.

Delight: Are you serious? Manipulative much?

Krista:  ^^That's it, Delight  -- would you ever ask a child to use her facilities when her parents weren't home? Especially if you know the Mom's phone number and could call her for permission?

Cara: Never, if I was the parents I'd be having a word with these people. Like what, the kids gonna say no?! And do they not have family? I've had no water before and I wasn't asking neighbours I hardly know, I'd be calling family and friends, just a thought. And I tell them when your water bill comes you'll be requesting they pay a portion of it. I mean seems like a cheap way of keeping water if they refuse to call a plumber.

Krista: And I do understand that the husband thinks his space heater solution might work and I'm willing to give him time to try it, but when we can't get a straight answer about them running the tap full out and Susie thinks that the city is involved (and that somehow equals free water?) and they act kind of impatient on the phone with Dave -- and WE are the ones with the power to just shut them off -- I just want to be in the loop. This can't be a happy situation for them, but I'm feeling used, and am happy to see that people here recognise that they are the weirdos here.

Delight:  And no Krista, I wouldn't...that is just a 'wow' in my world...holy...they come in all flavours don't they?

Krista: I assume that Susie had to go to work -- and her daughter and my niece are good friends -- but I almost do wish she came and asked me instead of the kids who were home alone (they're 10 and 12, so not babies, but that's just WEIRD to me...) If there's only a 30, 40, 50 dollar difference on the water bill, I'd just eat it to preserve peace. But if she's talking about spring thaw? What does that save?

Cara: It's weird to ask kids, period. And while not babies, also not your girls age where they're old enough to know to say, you should really have to ask my parents that. And it's great the kids are friends, but it sounds to me like these people are taking full advantage and that's just wrong.

Delight: Spring thaw my ass...if she would have said that to me I would have lol'd her. 

Darlene:  ^Could not have said it better.

Krista: It IS weird, isn't it Cara? Especially as it was her friend's mother, no way would Ella have said no. And then there's a naked adult in your house while your parents are out, lol. Creepy! She said spring thaw to both Ken and Dave and it left them both a bit speechless. Obviously, it wouldn't go that far...

Cara: And 50-60$ is a 50% increase in your bill, while it may not worry you, that's a huge difference. It's not necessarily about money, but ownership. If they can't afford a Plumber, that's a fair price one a month for water, especially if you're talking spring thaw.

Darlene: If I were Ella's mom or dad, I'd have to take issue with that. Even if they were my neighbors and even if our kids were friends, and even if it jeopardized all of that. That request from an adult to a child was inappropriate, and I don't think I could allow it to go ignored. I hope she at least brought her own towels, toiletries, and razor. Tell your brother to toss everything. Don't know where that soap bar or that bath scrunchie may have been, lol. Really though, not kidding. With people that cheap and presumptuous, you never know!

Krista: These people are pathologically cheap, Cara, and $50 buys a lot of peace in my books. Kennedy used to babysit for them and Susie asked me one day, "Hey, since high school students need 40 volunteer hours to graduate, I was wondering if Kennedy would like to babysit my kids for free over March Break and I can sign her volunteer form for her." I was fairly sickened, and even though it wasn't true at the time, I told her we would be going away for March Break -- and then I sent Kennedy to her grandparents so she couldn't be used like that. If she was a single mother or something and NEEDED free babysitting, okay, I'd watch them myself, but wealthy double-income people who want free help does NOT equal volunteering. One time, she says over the fence to me, "Hey, does Ella like Barbies?" I said, "Yeah, I guess." She said, "Because we had a yard sale and the Barbies didn't sell..." (and I'm thinking, "how do I tell her I don't want her to give me a bunch of used Barbie stuff?") ...and she said, "...and you can have it for, like, twenty bucks". Um, no thanks. I'm not going to war over the water bill...if it's reasonable...

Delight: lololololo

Delight: no words

Darlene: After reading that, I can tell you with a clear conscience, unhook.

Cara: Sounds to me like these people are unreasonable. And I'm definitely with Darlene, I'd unhook.

Krista: Exactly Darlene! She has Laura's number, and if she thought their house was her only choice, she could have called. Or she could have come here. Or she could have just gone a day without a shower (and she's a no makeup, no fancy hairdo-type, so it wasn't about fancying herself up)

Delight: Or gone to the local Y, or gone to one of those gas stations that have showers...or gone to the local pool...she had options...

Jennifer:  Jeff says "...have no part in this!"

Krista: She DEFINITELY had options. Ken photoshopped a picture of a drain with a lot of disgusting black hair stuck in it and sent that around, so he got his own kind of revenge in the end, lol.

Delight: Consensus is in my friend...have we cleared your conscience yet???..lolol

Krista: Ah, Jenn, but I know you and Jeff would help a neighbour. And they do have kids -- it's not their fault their parents are cheapo whackjobs. I like the consensus though. It's now noon of the second day and I would have expected them to get in touch. That's all it would take to make me happy.

Julia: Plumber is only option - a pipe freeze can turn into more. Winter isn't over yet!

Jason: I'm a firm believer in being self-reliant. You helped them out enough that they should've had the problem fixed by now. Turn the water off and disconnect the hose to let your hydrant drain so it doesn't freeze and split. Let them take over their own water needs from this point. 

Krista:  I wish these neighbours were as sensible as you Julia. Still no word from them today.

Darlene:  Listen to Jason...

Krista:  I know you're right Jason. The point of this post was to make sure that I wouldn't be the bigger jerk if that's what we end up doing. I can't imagine what's going through their minds right now...talking about this being the situation til spring?

Jason: You mind passing that thought on to my wife, Darlene? 

Krista: Darlene -- that might be the first time anyone's said that. You don't know what you say, hahahahahaha.

Kyler:  I only friended Krista so I could read phrases like "Dave's apes". Just saying.

Krista:  Stick around little brother, that's all I talk about anymore. 

Jason: If they were acting responsibly, I'd let it go for a bit more, but I'm not sure you realize how big the risk is to you. I'm not sure how your hydrant is plumbed in your foundation, but it could get very expensive, even if you don't have any flooding, should it freeze and split. They sell big jugs of water at the grocery store to get them through.

Darlene:  Again, at the risk of befriending the "village idiot" (and I mean that in a very nice way, as nice as something like that can sound, but again, I need the back story!) I agree with Jason. This is one of those situations where you have to protect your home and your family, and sometimes that trumps niceties and appearances.

Krista: Hahahaha, have I told you today how much I love you Tex? I never said he's the village idiot...

Jason: You're too Canadian, Krista!

Krista: That's the root of it Jason! We came from people who needed to stick together to survive the winters. If they needed extra blankets or dried venison, I'd give them all they want. But wanting to keep a hose hooked up to my house at the risk of our foundation? It feels like it crosses the line.

Darlene: IT CROSSES THE LINE. Your feelings are absolutely correct. I respect you wanting to do the right thing and the struggle you're having with this, but these people are not doing their part, and that's a risk you can't take for someone not willing to meet you halfway.

Jason: Just go over there and bitch slap them with your left mukluk...

Krista: But then my left foot would be cold...

Darlene:  Hahaha - I'm liking Jason more and more. Of course I'll talk to your wife. =DD

Jason: Put it back on when you're done... Jeez, I didn't send you over there to lend them that too!

Krista:  Oh, here's another cheapo example: A couple of summers ago, Dave was cleaning the empty beer cases out of the basement. Maybe 25, 30 cases of empties. He hauled them up to the garage, and in the time it took him to pull my Escape out of the driveway and back it back in and open the liftgate, Susie comes over and says, "Dave, were you taking those empties back?" He said he was and she said, "You know that Linda's ringette has a bottle drive every November, right? Do you think that she could have them?" Dave looked at the stacks of cases and thought, "you gotta be kidding", but said sure. And THEN she said, "You know I park in my garage. Do you think we could store the bottles here until November?" Hahahahahaha. What a piece of work! Dave said "nope", and when she sent her son (maybe 11 at the time) over to get them, Dave ended up carrying them all over there in the end.

Darlene: Unbelievable! It's warm in Texas, but not for long. A "cold front" is coming in tonight with warnings of ice and a hard freeze. Wonder if I can tie into my neighbor's water line until it passes? 

Jason:  Only if they are Canadians and willing to also lend you one warm mukluk.

Krista: I need to leave. Don't talk about me when I'm gone. 

Jason: Darlene, did you hear how Krista is going to screw over her nice neighbours?

Darlene:  Yes, indeed. Her reputation as un-neighborly has traveled all the way to Texas.

Jason: *un-neighboUrly 

Cara: Not gonna lie, at this point I'm Just here for comments 

Krista: It's really sad, Jason, how Darlene can't spell. I think her head exploded the first time I typed "manoeuver".

Darlene:  ^I thought she had misspelled manure... @Jason, funny how you capitalized the U. I ALWAYS do that when I'm chatting privately with Krista so that she knows the U is just for her. Didn't do it here because I didn't realiSe anyone would get it. Sorry for that un-neighboUrly offenCe. 

Delight: And thanks guys, that was a good morning news report on Krista's neighboUrs; and I enjoyed reading all of your comments. Alas, I am, like Cara, just here for the comments. I am glad ye all agreed with me so I didn't have to come in and set anyone straight

Krista:  Mallory told me that it makes me an attention suck to post my problems on facebook and it makes it worse when I keep prolonging the thread (and hopefully it makes it better that I'm not making a new thread?), but Dave talked to the neighbour yesterday. When Mike said that he agreed that they would probably need a plumber and would look into it "early next week", Dave said, "To tell you the truth, I couldn't sleep last night, worrying about my pipes freezing. It'll be warm enough tonight that everything should be fine, but it's going back down Sunday night, and whether you have your problem fixed by then or not, I need to turn off that hose". Mike just shrugged and said, "I guess you're going to do what you're going to do" -- like as though he has had no control in this whole situation and Dave is just one more problem that's out of his hands. No, "Thanks so much for your help so far" or "I totally understand your concern" just "Whatever". It's going to be -26 tonight, it will be three full working days that they've been hooked up to us, and with them not really trying to fix their problem, we don't feel bad about the decision. On a side note, if they really have had a tap going full out for all this time, that's about how long it took us to fill our pool the first time, and that cost us 4 or 500 dollars -- way to save yourselves a buck, cheapos.

Susan: wow.....this whole thing just sucks, glad you guys are unhooking them though. You're kinder than I would have been.

Krista:  I know you have a squishy center of your own Suzie-Q. I hate thinking of them without water but YOU know how cold it is here. I'm just happy to have a deadline (and if they were to come over and say that they have a plumber coming tomorrow morning, I'd be back on the helping train and risk another night of being connected to them).

Delight: I guess you're going to do what you're going to do? And the guilt trip begins...lol ...Not - Thanks, I understand...I don't blame you..You've been great...Really appreciated the help...NeighboUrs - highly overrated...

That's the gist of the facebook conversation (which I have edited down from 14 to 5 pages -- wow -- mostly by deleting the least interesting off-topic and repeated comments). And I guess I touched a nerve since that is the longest single-thread conversation -- attracting the most unique commenters -- on my facebook wall.  In the end, Dave went out on Sunday afternoon, as the weather was getting colder, to check on the hose and discovered that Mike must have come over and unhooked himself while we were briefly out. Dave lost it! The faucet was full of frozen water, and with the water cutoff still turned on in the basement, that's exactly how our pipes could have burst if he hadn't caught it. Dave used a heat gun to defrost the faucet, drained the line, and re-winterised. Honestly, Mike must be just totally clueless, not necessarily malicious, for him to end the ordeal this way; I remain convinced that he never appreciated that we were taking on a risk for them. Mike came over Monday night with a thank you card and a $25 LCBO gift card, and I'm sure he thinks we're all happy neighbours again. As I told my mother today on the phone, we're happy not to have gone to war and we can just go back to benign indifference.

More examples of their cheapness:

When they first moved in and Susie learned that I'm a stay-at-home Mom, she sighed wistfully and said, "I wish I could stay home with my kids (who were 2 and 3). Every dollar I make goes to day care but Mike says I have to work so I can make a maximum lifetime CPP contribution."  If she had wanted to stay home with them, that would only have made a maximum 6 year contribution difference, and I bet that's not a future difference of $10/month.

One time Susie came to the door and said that she was painting and the stores were closed and she wondered if we had any painter's tape. Dave said sure and gave her a brand new roll of whatever the good stuff is. A week later, she gave him back a roll of dollar store tape -- which he threw out -- and I'm sure she thought that was a fair deal.

One Halloween, Susie told me that Linda wanted to be a witch and the only nice costume they could find needed to be altered for her at the mall. When she realised that I had made my kids' costumes myself, she said, "Oh my God, I wish I knew that. I could have just brought it here and saved myself 12 bucks."

When they first moved in  (and despite there being a bylaw against it) they installed an enormous double-decker clothesline in their back yard. Dave hates the look of it, but since I can't imagine arguing against the environmental benefits of it, I convinced him to live and let live. It wasn't until years later that it filtered back to us that the neighbour on the other side of them screamed at Susie about not wanting to see their underthings from her back yard -- I hadn't even been conscious of the fact that there are never any unmentionables hung up on that line, but I suppose I would have noticed if there were.

As alluded to above, on Linda's last birthday, Susie told Laura that they wanted to invite Ella to go into Toronto with them to see a live production of Wicked, but only if they were willing to pay half the price of the ticket. When I asked Ken if they would still feel obligated to buy Linda a present, he said, "Of course. It's not her fault that her parents are like that." (And, weeks and weeks before the actual performance, Susie contacted Laura to point out that they had already bought the tickets and she could pay them any time.)

I have also already mentioned that Kennedy babysat for them when she was in grade 9. I asked her if she remembered any other examples of extreme cheapness and she recalled that their dishwasher broke down and they didn't replace it for two weeks, and over that time, they expected Kennedy to wash their dishes for them, even the pots and plates from their dinner the night before (I don't know if this story demonstrates cheapness per se, but it does illustrate their view of Kennedy as "the help"). More to the point, on the few afternoons when Kennedy had a school-related activity and I would watch the kids, Kennedy would not be paid for those days; as though my time was a freebie for them.

And a story that fills me with delicious schadenfreude:

About a year ago, Laura was getting fed up with the politics at her job and decided to start looking for a new one. Susie mentioned to her that it was a tough climate for job-seeking accountants out there: Mike had been given a four week notice of lay off and couldn't find many good job postings. Laura said, "Oh, I'll be sure to pass on anything I find." And Susie replied with a laugh, "Oh, I doubt you'd be looking at the same jobs. Mike is a CMA."

As they met over the next few weeks, Laura mentioned that she was in the final group of applicants for a job that she was excited about and Susie said that Mike had an exciting lead, too.

A couple of weeks later, Laura told Susie that she had been hired by WM, and Susie smiled and congratulated her. And then, although it takes months, it eventually filters back to Laura that she got the job that Mike had been excited about. Now, of course she didn't gloat about it -- Laura only wanted a change of scenery whereas Mike was facing unemployment -- but there's a karmic correctness in Laura (who worked incredibly hard to get her CGA) being chosen over someone whose wife sneeringly said, "Oh, I doubt you'll be looking at the same jobs."

And that's the thing: Susie is basically a user and Mike is a robotic numbers-guy; this situation wasn't malicious but the danger to us was the same no matter their intent. For all I know, there's another facebook page out there where Dave and I were painted as the monsters, for while this story is 100% truthful, the perspective is my own. 

And now it's over and we can continue to wave and smile like neighbours do; the deep freeze will pass.

Child 44

My best friend in high school was an immigrant from Poland, and as this was the 1980s, her family felt fortunate to have escaped from behind the Iron Curtain. Once, after Kasia had been telling me about the strain of a childhood under Russian rule, I had remarked, "You must really hate Russians". Kasia was taken aback and said, "I don't hate Russians. The Russian people themselves are the biggest victims of the Soviet government." Even looking back now, that seems an admirably decent position for a 15-year-old to have and was an important lesson for me to learn so early.

                                                 

Child 44 is set in Stalinist Russia, at a time when just to be mentioned during the torture of a suspected dissident was enough proof to have you and your family rounded up, tortured, and sent to the gulags. To be arrested was a presumption of guilt -- Better to let ten innocent men suffer than one spy escape -- and no one who was brought to the headquarters of the MGB in Moscow's Lubyanka Square was ever set free again. General paranoia and a fear of being denounced strained relationships between husbands and wives, between parents and children, and even in the privacy of one's own cold and crowded home, a person wouldn't dare to question the splendour of their workers' paradise. 

To be an apparatchik of the Secret Police at this time, a person would need to either be a power-hungry sadist or a loyal believer in the glorious revolution, and Leo Demidov -- although presumed to be the former by even his wife -- was a simple patriot; a pragmatic functionary who believed he was working for the greater good. When circumstances force Leo to question the status quo, he learns what it is to be an innocent man in the crosshairs of an MGB operation.

Author Tom Rob Smith does a wonderful job of capturing this tense and paranoid atmosphere and Child 44 is an exciting high-stakes thriller. With its meticulously described setting I was completely immersed in 1950s Russia, and I was not surprised to learn that Smith had originally conceived of this story as a movie script: many scenes were cinematically described and the tensest moments have a Hitchcock-like feel (so many trains and crowds!). The plot was energetic and expansive, but ultimately, this is more potboiler than literary masterpiece, and as enjoyable as the journey was, the climax and conclusion rely on coincidence that strain belief (you might even say it has a Hollywood ending). But this ultimate letdown didn't spoil the whole book for me: The opening, set in 1933, is an absolute stand-alone gem that perfectly grabbed me and conditioned my mind for the events to come; and the evolution of Leo Demidov -- as he is confronted with the paradigm-shifting fact that violent crime isn't solely the offshoot of Capitalist decadence as he had been taught -- is an inner journey worthy of a more serious work. With these caveats in mind, the four stars are meant to recognise that Child 44 is a well done piece of genre fiction, not necessarily a magnificent work of literature, and we all need a little candy now and then. 

California

On the map, their destination had been a stretch of green, as if they would be living on a golf course. No freeways nearby, or any roads, really: those had been left to rot years before. Frida had given this place a secret name, the afterlife, and on their journey, when they were forced to hide in abandoned rest stops, or when they'd filled the car with the last of their gasoline, this place had beckoned. In her mind it was a township, and Cal was the mayor. She was the mayor's wife.

OK, see right there in the book's opening paragraph? The world is going to crap --  California isn't set in the post-apocalypse so much as in the time after the disintegration of systems following a series of natural disasters and attendant disease; there's government collapse and people are sequestering themselves into patrolled communities that are either for the very rich or the anarchists, leaving ordinary people to decide whether to seek the shelter of groups or to strike out into the wilderness; I've seen this considered "mid-apocalypse" -- and a young married couple makes the bold decision to leave society behind, and in this brave new world, a township of two, Frida thinks that her husband will be the mayor and she can be the mayor's wife. 

According to author Edan Lepucki, "My goal at the outset was to write a 'post-apocalyptic domestic drama' -- that is, I was most interested in depicting a marriage against this larger, high-stakes backdrop." And I did not believe this marriage for one second. Cal and Frida lie to each other and keep secrets from each other constantly, and although they have plenty of great sex -- often out in the open forest -- they have nothing in common. I totally understand why in a survivalist situation labour should be divided by skillset (I don't care if Frida does all the laundry while Cal makes snares), but the character of Frida will make a comment about how Cal should help her forage on one page, and on the next, will be amused that she can fill a sack with roots and berries in the time it takes Cal to find four shrivelled mushrooms. California is filled with feminist tinged musings (Frida insists on carrying her own backpack to prove she isn't helpless, Frida wonders why armed guards are never women when holding a gun requires no particular strength, Frida wonders why a group has an exclusively male council making all the decisions), but in every situation -- from the all-male college that Cal attends in the beginning to the glimpse into one of the super rich communities at the end (where women are all expected to be stay-at-home Moms while the menfolk work in offices) -- I am supposed to believe that in the near future, as society collapses, all of these California-raised women are going to revert to Leave it to Beaver-era gender roles? Every one of these women, in whatever living situation they find themselves in, would be content to be "the mayor's wife"?

There were many other things I found frustrating or poorly written in this book:

• Early on, Frida says that she often narrates her life as it's happening-- as though she's still a blogger like she was as a teenager -- she demonstrates what she means and then that never happens again.

• We're in a post-something world, and no one wants to talk about how they got there. There are references to an earthquake in California and a killer snowstorm in Ohio and a deadly flu in Florida, but no real details are given, and no explanation is given for why the government collapsed. Everyone wants to forget about the past (and so we readers don't get that information) and even when Cal and Frida meet another couple in the woods and Cal says, "We never thought we'd meet anyone else here in…", the other man cuts him off saying, "We prefer not to talk about where we are". So, while we might assume they're in California (since the couple started in L.A.), that's not confirmed, and as for the title? "California" was the nickname that Frida's brother had given to Cal at school. Why make all that so muddled? If Lepucki was aiming for some universality to the setting, what's with the title?

• Every time there is some slightly intriguing detail (Why are people afraid of the colour red? Why are there no children on the Land? How does August get his trading goods? What happened to the Millers?), the explanation is teasingly deferred until you just don't care anymore and then, when given, is eye-rollingly lame.

• All of the real action happens off of the page -- Frida remembering suicide bombers and Cal learning of future attacks -- so that there is zero sense of urgency right now. This couple is never starving or freezing or struggling to survive, and as they whine and bicker and then make up again in a perpetually repeating cycle, it's hard for the reader to root for them.

• ** this is the only real spoiler**: Micah is a taboo subject because he blew himself up, but wait he's alive and in charge and gave all the Land's babies to a Community to cement trade relations so he can infiltrate their capitalist pigdog society and blow them up. Aargh. 

And I don't understand Lepucki's constant use of generic labels. She's basically writing a fantasy, where anything can be called anything, and she goes for: 

• Devices: Never described, but presumably the one future object that will replace all iPhones/Blackberries/tablets/laptops. Remembered but useless by the time of the story.

• Plank: The all-male college where students are being prepared for an uncertain future with equal parts animal husbandry and humanities, creating a cabal of philosopher farmers (and yet, graduate Cal can't recognise edible berries or remember how to make a rabbit snare).

• The Group: The subversive group of performance artists and suicide bombers trying to hasten the end of society.

• Communities: The gated communities built for the super rich.

• Spikes: The spikey structures (terrifyingly covered in objects like dolls and orange construction cones) meant to keep out pirates.

• Forms: What the builders of the spikes actually call them.

• The Land: The area protected by the Spikes -- er -- Forms.

But as terrible as all this is, we shouldn't feel sorry for Edan Lepucki: Not only did California get the "Colbert Bump" when he used this book as an example in his anti-Amazon campaign, but both Lepucki and her husband gave it straight-faced five star reviews on goodreads. Obviously, our society's status quo is considered unsustainable and climate change could well lead to natural disasters that lead to a further gap between the haves and have-nots that precipitates an all-out civil war, and while a book that considers these issues seriously might be a significant and timely read, California is not that book. All it left me wondering was, if the end times descend, would Lepucki be content to let her husband be "the mayor"? Would she be content to play "the mayor's wife"?