As gleeful as I am to return to the river, I am still haunted by the demise of my former marriage. As much as I’ve dissected every aspect of my life, at the end of the day, my day, with whatever time I have remaining, like a passenger on a departing cruise ship after waving goodbye to those I’ve loved and painfully miss, I have to dedicate myself to step away from the stern, make my way to the bow, and move on with my life’s journey. I will simply, quietly, sail off into the sunset.
Author Dave Pelzer is famous for having written A Child Called “It” (a memoir of having suffered through “one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history”), and with the release of further memoirs, he “was the first author to have four #1 international bestsellers and to have four books simultaneously on the New York Times bestsellers list”. Although I hadn’t read any of his prior books, I was roughly aware of Pelzer’s story and was intrigued to learn where he finds himself today as relayed in his latest memoir: Return to the River. Written in the wake of a devastating divorce and working through the COVID pandemic as a first responder, Pelzer had plenty of reason to give up on ever finding happiness and security; but as a child who had had to rely on incredible inner strength and perseverance just to stay alive, Pelzer finds the motivation to keep going. In a narrative that shifts between the present and the past, Pelzer reviews his entire life here — from the abuse he suffered at his mother’s hands to his happier days in foster care, his career in the Air Force, as a bestselling author and motivational speaker, and ultimately, as volunteer Fire Captain battling California wildfires — and while this does make for a satisfying standalone read, I can see how this would be even more satisfying for someone more intimate with Pelzer’s life story. For me personally: While I appreciated the overview of the author’s life, I felt I was missing out on the details (I don’t really know why he got divorced, or anything about the mother of his grown son, or why he was forced to move out of his dream home — why is he broke today after all those bestselling books? — and while none of that is any of my business, I felt the gaps). On the other hand: It’s valuable to learn that an abuse survivor doesn’t just shake the pain off when he gets to adulthood; even if he writes bestselling books, wins countless awards, and is respected as a rock solid first responder, living a life in service to others doesn’t necessarily equal service to oneself — and that’s an interesting lesson to learn in one’s sixties. I would rate this a 3.5 and am rounding up to four stars. (Note: I read an ARC through NetGalley and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)
I’m losing it. I feel as if my inner confidence has somehow slipped from my grasp. I realize my emotions are a potpourri of adapting to the increasing stress of COVID World, being a first responder, moving, struggling to find a place to live, a heart-wrenching divorce, leaving my firefighting family, and dissecting my life. Yet, I know, I feel, I am a shell of the person I used to be. From deep within, I have no battery stores to draw from. I feel I’ve foolishly exposed my life to too much kryptonite.
The title “Return to the River” is meant both literally and figuratively: After his divorce, Pelzer was forced to sell his beautiful Zen-like Sea Ranch dream house, and as he had reached his sixties and felt his body beginning to baulk at the demands of firefighting, he decided to quietly retire from the volunteer work and look for a place to live along the Russian River; the site of one of his only happy memories from childhood when his family vacationed there; a memory that sustained him through the worst years of the abuse he suffered at his mother’s hands. But between the wildfires and the pandemic that saw people displaced from their homes — his upscale community had residential streets choked with people living out of run down RVs and cars — Pelzer found himself at the end of his rope with nowhere to land. The quest to find a new home drives the narrative of the memoir — with frequent memories and hard-won wisdom thrown in — and Pelzer eventually returning to the river sees him returning, permanently, to that fleeting sense of happiness and security he had held on to so tightly as a child.
Throughout my life, I’ve always ventured down life’s different paths. And somehow, some way, while the journey may have been fraught with peril, things have more than worked out. I just need to find a pathway that leads me there. Of all things, I have faith. I only wish I had more time.
There’s not a whole lot to this memoir, but it was enough for me: The stories Pelzer shares here of the abuse he suffered were horrifying and I don’t feel the need to read his other books now. But, again, for those who have been following Pelzer’s journey, I think this would be a fascinating follow up. More than anything: I wish the author well and do hope that he has found a place of peace and security.
