What’s left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. We say that everything is fine when it isn’t. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.
I read Stop Walking on Eggshells because I know someone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and their psychiatric nurse recommended this book as a resource for friends and family of those with BPD. I confess to not knowing much about BPD before picking this up, and the person I know doesn’t suffer from the violent/manipulative/self-harming outbursts that are described in this book (which makes me question the diagnosis?), but for those who find themselves constantly “walking on eggshells” around loved ones with the disorder, I can see how this would be valuable. It should be stressed that this is a self help book for those who know someone with BPD, not a resource for those with the diagnosis, but if you need help “taking your life back” (as per the subtitle), the authors outline many helpful tips: from setting boundaries and active listening to calling 911 and documenting spousal abuse before a divorce or custody hearing. The writing is informal and accessible, includes countless stories from people with BPD and those around them, and certainly seems to fill a need. (Note: I read an ARC of the upcoming Third Edition of this book and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)
It may be obvious to you that the person in your life with BPD needs help. But it may not be obvious to him or her. For people with BPD, admitting that anything about them is less than perfect, let alone acknowledging that they may have a personality disorder, can send them into a spiral of shame and self-doubt. Imagine feeling empty, virtually without a self. Now think about admitting that what little self you can recognize has something wrong with it. To many people with BPD, this is like ceasing to exist — a terrifying feeling for anyone.
In several places, the authors stress that clinicians often fail to identify BPD, or mistake it for bipolar disorder (confusingly, 10-20% of those with BPD also have bipolar disorder), or refuse to believe that adolescents can have a personality disorder, or mistakenly believe that BPD always stems from an abusive childhood...this seems a slippery diagnosis and I now feel only marginally better informed about the disorder’s manifestations. A baseline presentation might be:
People show wild mood swings; see other people in black and white; act impulsively; are highly (and easily) triggered by real or imagined abandonment; and seem to either hate people or love them. These kinds of behaviors lead to intense and unmanageable relationships.
By way of explanation, the authors write:
The brain of someone with borderline personality disorder is biochemically different from most people’s. In a person with BPD, both their brain structure and their brain chemistry regularly turn on their emotional centres to full strength. Imagine a big, muscled bully pounding the logical centres of your brain into submission. That’s what it’s like for people with BPD. And, long after most people would have cooled down, the bully is still throwing punches — and your loved one is still upset.
Yet, in another place:
BPD is a personality disorder that is diagnosed by a person’s behavior, not through any biochemical measurement. BPD moods are typically more intense than bipolar moods; they also tend to change more quickly and more frequently.
Despite this biochemical element, they write that medication isn’t helpful for the disorder itself (although those with BPD might be prescribed something for depression, moodiness, or impulsivity), but encouragingly, the disorder can be cured through tools such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy or Cognitive Behavior Therapy — the only wrinkle being that those with the disorder tend to resist therapy until they hit rock bottom (a story is told of a woman who didn't accept that she had BPD until she saw the look of fear and horror on the face of her four year old as she beat him — she immediately began behavioural therapy and was eventually cured.) Understanding all of this doesn’t really alleviate the pain of an abusive relationship, and ultimately, Stop Walking on Eggshells is a resource for a person on the receiving end of this abuse. The book includes such helpful advice as:
Understanding the difference between causes and triggers of borderline behavior is crucial to taking the behavior less personally. You can trigger borderline behavior quite easily as you go about your day. That doesn’t mean, however, that you caused the behavior.
And:
Feelings don’t have IQs. They just are. Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, annoyance, frustration — all are normal, and to be expected by people faced with borderline behavior. This is true no matter what your relationship is to the person with BPD. This doesn’t mean that you should respond to your loved one with anger. But it does mean that you need a safe place to vent your emotions and feel accepted, not judged.
The authors describe in detail: how to be a “mirror” (and reflect back the other person’s emotions) instead of a “sponge” when interacting with a person with BPD; they give the reader permission to finally break off relationships with abusive and manipulative parents, adult children, and partners; they even lay out some general legal advice and provide resources for male victims of domestic violence. This book is filled with plenty of such valuable information, and for those looking for a way to “take their lives back”, I do hope they find it here.
