I'll Be
Written and Performed by Edwin McCain
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
And tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
And you're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
And tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
And tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
And you're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
And tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
And I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.
In my timeline, I'm up to 1998, and this will be the last post covering that year. While looking at some of the hits from '98, I came across this song and thought,"It may not have been my favourite, but it's sure good to remember." And as much of what I have to say is about me hanging out with my girls, it's just natural that I think of myself as their biggest fan; this song is tenuously appropriate to the message, but a nostalgic match.
Kennedy turned three that August, and as I had been explaining to her for months, three-year-olds don't wear diapers. I was always vaguely uncomfortable when my mother would brag that I was toilet-trained before I was one - how could that even be true? - and in a weird Freudian sense, it didn't seem to be something to be proud of, really. So, as in so many ways that I approached motherhood, I decided to let my children find their own rhythms; I'd be there for support, but I recoiled from being the strict-but-negligent presence that my own mother had been: I could never be strict or negligent. Kennedy had a potty chair, and while I kept reminding her that it was there for her whenever she needed it, she very rarely took the hint. But I certainly wasn't neglectful of the need to potty-train her - I told her that once she turned three, that was it; no more diapers. And maybe it helped having a new baby in the house - obviously, that's what needing diapers looked like - but Kennedy woke up on her third birthday, pulled on the pink underpants she had picked out, and never had an accident. (And maybe it also helps having a big sister in the family - Mallory was also reluctant to use the potty, but she also accepted that three-year-olds don't wear diapers and pulled on her own pink underpants on her third birthday. Gosh, potty-training is so easy once it's done.)
I've written before about the routines of our lives back then - going to my parents' house just about every Sunday, to Dave's parents' house at least once a month; my mother driving up about once a week to take me and the girls out for lunch and doctor's appointments; us going to the park across the street every day - Kennedy being better at making friends than I was. Dave worked long hours, but he was doing what he thought he had to do. We got a new family doctor at that time, and even though I didn't really like him, we had a doctor shortage and I was just happy to have someone to care for our growing family. This doctor was fixated on cholesterol levels, and we were often given blood tests - which he didn't like the looks of. He told both me and Dave that we needed to cut the fats out of our diet, and that's when we stopped eating mammals - and while the doctor was excited when we came back a month later with excellent cholesterol levels, I don't know if I ever really had a problem to begin with. (I read later that breastfeeding mothers often have elevated cholesterol levels - and it couldn't have helped that Dave kept bringing me home Snickers bars because feeding an eleven pound infant made me constantly hungry - but that wouldn't have been on this doctor's radar: he eventually posted a journal article up on his waiting room wall that he had written on cholesterol testing; I think we were just data sets to him.)
The only other thing I want to note this week is that it was in the fall of '98 that I discovered eBay. Dave and I had been to a few toy shows together over the years, and when we lived in Edmonton he had subscribed to a classifieds magazine for classic toys - needing to call people with listings all over North America to see if items were still available and arranging payment through snailmail - and eBay was a goldmine of Planet of the Apes toys; and Dave didn't know about it. For weeks, I'd watch and win multiple reasonably-priced auctions every day, contact the sellers to get shipping rates to Canada, and then put the girls in the stroller and ride the bus to the bank for money orders (which were free with our account at the time) and then the post office to mail it all off. This was an adventure, and we did it many times - there was always just one more toy that I thought I could get in time for Christmas. And when Christmas came, Dave was overwhelmed - how could I have possibly found so many toys he wanted without him even knowing about it? It was a bit like opening Pandora's Box, but showing eBay to Dave revolutionised his life. Also that Christmas: I had received a flyer from Air Miles saying that to celebrate United Airlines joining their program, all UA flights booked with Air Miles would be buy one get one free for a limited time. I only had enough Miles to fly to NYC, lol, but at BOGO, I thought it would be a perfect excuse for us to have a little getaway, and I booked it as late as possible in the promotion's running time (which was early May of '99). That present also blew. his. mind.
The eBay toys, the trip to NYC - the finances were getting a little easier, and life was getting a little less stressful. So, naturally, I'd want to shake things up - and that's what I'll write about next time.