If I Had $1000000
(Robertson, E / Page, S) Performed by Barenaked Ladies
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a house
I would buy you a house
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you furniture for your house
Maybe a nice Chesterfield or an ottoman
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
A nice Reliant automobile
And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree-fort in our yard
If I had a million dollars you could help
It wouldn't be that hard
If I had a million dollars
Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge
In there somewhere
We could just go up there and hang out
Like open the fridge and stuff
And there'd all be foods laid out for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things
They have pre-wrapped sausages
But they don't have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame them?
Yeah!
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
But not a real fur coat, that's cruel
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
Yep, like a llama or an emu
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
All them crazy elephant bones
And if I had a million dollars I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
We'd take a limousine, 'cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we'd just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That's right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchups
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
But not a real green dress, that's cruel
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you some art
A Picasso or a Garfunkel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a monkey
Haven't you always wanted a monkey?
If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich!
Dave and I bought the album Gordon by Barenaked Ladies as soon as it came out, and immediately, this group and their music became the unofficial soundtrack to our lives. Dave has always preferred older performers -- the Stones, Bob Seger, Bowie -- and while he does buy their new releases as they come along, it's always their old stuff, the songs from the '70s, that he wants to listen to. Barenaked Ladies, however, is the first band Dave liked who were slightly younger than us, and as they sang on Gordon about life in Canada as we know it, and made references that seem particularly suited to the two of us -- that was me in grade nine baby (Oh man, I'm gonna miss Stairway to Heaven...) -- we were hooked right from the start; we've bought all their albums; have seen them live in a variety of venues. I even follow the band on Facebook, so when they announced last week that they would be recording a TV show at the CBC in Toronto with The Persuasions singing backup, I followed the link in an effort to get tickets; and I succeeded. Dave and I will be going into Toronto this afternoon to be part of a fifty person live audience. How cool is that?
So my song choice this week was a no-brainer again: While Brian Wilson is probably my favourite song on Gordon (certainly my favourite song to see live), If I Had $1000000 is the iconic choice. I remember that when BNL first made it big, my little brother Kyler (who, unlike me and Dave, was living in Ontario at the time, so thought he had the local perspective) said that they never would have been noticed if the woman mayor of Toronto at the time hadn't tried to ban the group from performing at some official municipal event because of their, apparently, quasi-offensive name. The band protested that their name was meant to be the opposite of offensive; the innocent and naive exclamation of a child. This song kind of captures that same vibe -- everyone buys a lottery ticket every now and then and gets wistful about what they'd buy if they won, but not everyone dreams of tree forts and llamas. The mix of serious and playful and downright clever is what we've always loved about BNL, and that's what $1000000 means to me.
I remember listening to Gordon at our house in Edmonton, and when Brian Wilson came on, I turned to Dave's know-it-all philosopher friend Steven and for some reason gushed, "I know it says in the printed lyrics that it's 'Lying in bed like Brian Wilson did', but it sounds like they're singing, 'Lying in bed like Brian Wilson dead'. Isn't that funny?" Now, what would this older (would he have already been forty by then?), non-follower of pop culture know of BNL and their songwriting intentions? Probably less than your average squirrel, but he gave me a condescending grimace and assured me that by rhyming "did" with "bed", they were trying to make me think "dead", and that that was the kind of overly clever manipulation that made him not a fan of the band. This was their first album and Steven was already declaring himself anti-BNL? All the more reason to claim them for our own.
The first time we saw BNL live, we were new parents living back in Ontario, and although Born on a Pirate Ship was a new release at the time, we had listened to it dozens of times in the week leading up to the concert and knew every word. As this concert was at a small venue in London and we were in the front row, Dave figured the band could probably hear me as I belted out the songs right along with them (and according to Dave, that was probably not a good thing, lol). This was the first time we saw If I Had $1000000 performed live and we had no idea that people in the audience would throw boxes of Kraft Dinner onto the stage when the song reached that line; some boxes had even been opened and raw macaroni rained down on the stage. I laughed my head off and felt totally connected to these fellow fans as I picked the odd noodle out of my own hair.
The next time we saw them was at a stadium in Toronto; I had to laugh (because I was now in the know) when I saw that there were bins at all the entrances asking that any boxes of Kraft Dinner be deposited there for the food bank. They were probably at the height of their popularity at the time and I was totally energised being in a sea of fellow singing, swaying fans. We loved that they were getting more popular and that they were starting to show up in American pop culture (before they wrote the theme-song for The Big Bang Theory, they were heard on King of the Hill and The Grinch).
Barenaked Ladies was one of the many amazing bands we've seen live at the GIFT Gala over the years, and as always, the fact that that is for just a few thousand people made the performance feel up-close and intimate. We stood stageside for that concert, and when it was over, Dave was one of the lucky ones to be handed a guitar pick (which he promptly had framed, above).
We were really saddened when Steven Page left the band (Dave particularly so), so it wasn't quite the same when we took the girls to see BNL and their Christmas concert at the Center in the Square in Kitchener (although I loved our box seats; living like we had $1000000). We also took the girls to that same venue when Steven Page was touring with Art of Time (amazing show), and Dave flipped his lid when we saw Page standing outside the building beforehand as we were walking from where we parked; Dave went and got his ticket autographed (which, after the show, he promptly added to the frame, above).
The last time we saw BNL was last fall, when we were at another fundraiser and they were performing with Colin James. It was a small venue again, and between the familiarity of all the songs and the intimate storytelling banter, it feels like we know these guys; they've been around, however changed, for as long as Dave and I have been married. When we discovered that the fundraiser had a silent auction that featured an autographed drumhead and assorted other BNL goodies, I encouraged Dave to bid whatever it took to get it if he needed it: 25+ years ago in our first Edmonton house (which cost us a barely affordable $75k), we may have childishly dreamed about what we would buy if we had a million dollars, but we don't worry too much about money anymore. Dave won the drumhead and other goodies (which he promptly had framed).
I could barely contain my happiness when I got the email saying that we had been selected to attend this taping today, and it was a joy to tell Dave about it; we are so excited; this is our band; providing the soundtrack to our lives together. I can't believe we'll be in an audience of only fifty people -- I couldn't possibly feel more rich.