Reach Out I'll Be There
(Collins, P /Lamont, D /Holland, B /Holland, E) Performed by Four Tops
Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all of your hope is gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is crumblin' down
Darling, reach out, come on girl, reach on out for me
Reach out, reach out for me
I'll be there, with a love that will shelter you
I'll be there, with a love that will see you through
When you feel lost and about to give up
'Cause your best just ain't good enough
And you feel the world has grown cold
And you're drifting out all on your own
And you need a hand to hold
Darling, reach out, come on girl, reach out for me
Reach out, reach out for me
I'll be there, to love and comfort you
And I'll be there, to cherish and care for you
I'll be there, with a love that will see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I can tell the way you hang your head
You're without love and now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinkin'
You're alone now, no love of your own
But darling, reach out, come on girl, reach out for me
Reach out
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there, to give you all the love you need
And I'll be there, you can always depend on me
I had originally had a different idea for today's Tunesday, but it being Valentine's Day, and my inlaws' situation being what it is, this feels more appropriate. The tl;dr is: With their deteriorating health, my inlaws make the case for the importance of stable "til death do us part" marriage; who knows where they'd be if they didn't have each other (and it's easy to say that they should be living with their kids; we've offered and until now, at approaching 80, they haven't believed "it's time" yet).
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an illusion
Around Christmastime I wrote about Bev's creeping Alzheimer's - that in addition to keeping her fed and focussed, Jim was starting to deal with her wet sheets every night, too - and while he was saying just at Christmas that he believes it's only fair that he do for his wife as she did for him when he was laid up (as I wrote about at the time), just a couple of months later, he's running out of steam.
It's been a few weeks since I've gone up to see them - it's just wrong that they live over an hour away from all us family - and for the most part, that was an uneventful visit. We sat in the living room and talked with Bev; she seemed able to follow along as Kennedy and I chatted with her. When dinner was ready and Jim called us to the table, Bev said she needed to go to the washroom first. As we sat for a few minutes in the dining room, Jim sighed and said, "We might as well eat while it's hot. She could be a while." We didn't really want to start without Bev, but as the minutes dragged on and on - and Jim went to call up the stairs if Bev was all right; she replied "Yes" angrily - we all started to eat. Bev showed up after we were all finished, with a towel wrapped around her waist and no pants on. When Jim saw that, he nearly jumped from his seat, saying, "What are you wearing? Do you need some help getting dressed?" Bev replied angrily and confusingly, "What difference does it make? I couldn't fit everything on under." Jim offered to help Bev change into her nightgown or whatever she wanted, but she truly didn't see the problem (and we eventually left with no idea what took her a half hour in the washroom; I assume she wet through her pants as we were sitting through the afternoon?) On the drive home Dave said, "When I start showing up at the table with just a towel, you can send me to a padded room". But I pointed out that it doesn't really seem like "padded room" time when his Mom also had a pleasant afternoon chatting with and enjoying the company of her granddaughter.
During the week after this visit, Bev finally had her teeth extracted - Jim took her and watched with fascination as several teeth broke off at their rotten roots and needed to be cut out; watched as the gums were stitched and the dentures were fitted - and although on the phone she didn't complain of any pain, she also refused to eat when Jim tried to encourage her and this was making her feel weak. The following weekend, Dave and I were heading into Toronto and we called to see how they were doing, and Jim said that Bev was having a lie down, but that he wasn't going to fool around with her health; if she was still feeling faint, he'd call an ambulance. We learned later that as soon as we hung up, Jim went up to check on Bev, and finding her passed out in the hallway, and unable to lift her by himself, he did call 911 and had her taken to the hospital. Turns out that Bev was not only starving herself, but she was dehydrated too. They put her on an IV, and sent Bev home after a few hours. With only Jim to take care of her.
This past weekend, as I was at work, Dave and Ruthann went up to see their parents, and when Dave got there, his Mom came out of the bathroom - where Ruthann had been tidying her up and brushing her hair for the prior fifteen minutes - and when Bev saw Dave she said, "I'm glad you got here safely. I hope Ruthann gets here soon so I can stop worrying about her." Bev literally forgot her daughter the second she was out of sight. Dave said the whole visit was upsetting - Bev taking her dentures out to eat because they bug her and snapping at Jim when he suggested chewing would work better with them in - and as hard as his Dad is working to do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of his deteriorating wife, Jim will now admit he's tired, but he's still not really complaining. Apparently, Bev fell down again the other night while stepping into her pants and Jim had to get a neighbour from next door to help lift her up.
Yesterday was Ruthann's birthday, and Dave called his parents to make sure they remembered to call her. He was talking to his Mom when suddenly she said, "It's nice here but I wish we had made it home in time for Ruthann's birthday." As they were at home, Dave said, "What are you talking about?" Bev said, "Well, we're up here near Sauble Beach. Oh, where is it? Jim? Where are we?" In the background, Jim said, "You're at home." Bev, impatiently, said, "No, right now. What's the name of this place?" Jim again said that they were at their own house, on his end Dave said, "You're at home, Mom", and an unconvinced Bev agreed to disagree.
Last week, I was writing about when Dave and I got engaged, and I remember that Jim and Bev came out to Edmonton to visit us the following summer and that's when I met them for the first time. They squabbled nonstop like Ralph and Alice from The Honeymooners (and Dave and I found it as amusing and old-fashioned as watching a black and white sitcom; that will never be us we laughed), and when we were playing cards one evening, Jim said seriously, "Marriage is a hard thing, and not a thing to be entered into lightly. It hasn't always been easy for us." Dave laughed and said, "Believe me, I know. There were enough times when I was growing up when I would have signed your divorce papers myself." Jim laughed and nodded and said that that was all he was going to say on the matter, but he was obviously sincere in what he was saying.
Jim and Bev may have spent the last fifty-some years squabbling, but when the chips are down, they are always there for each other; and that's the greatest gift of marriage. I appreciate that there are many situations in which a marriage shouldn't be saved, but the reward of having someone with you at the end who will wash your pee-soaked sheets (every day if needed), someone who'll find you when you've passed out in the hallway, someone who can remind you of who you are and where you live - someone who will do this without complaint or recompense - these are the wages of hard labour; the labour of long love and commitment.
Dave and I are suddenly worried if the slow-moving plan for Ruthann and Dan to buy a duplex with Jim and Bev has moved a bit too slowly; is Bev actually in need of more care than even her daughter can help provide? We are peripheral to the decision-making - we can't rush either side - but it's obviously getting to the point where Jim can't handle things by himself any more; and he'll be 80 this year. In the end, they've been a fine model for what a marriage can be.
Darling, reach out, come on girl, reach out for me
Reach out, reach out for me
I'll be there, to love and comfort you
And I'll be there, to cherish and care for you
I'll be there, with a love that will see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
